A Plea for Order

(Heather Wood -- 1986)

Please don't dismember your father,

And leave bits all over the shed,

He was a tidy man all of his life,

And should remain so when he's dead.

Gather him up in a garbage bag,

Remember the collection's at two,

Please leave the potting shed just as you found it,

For others are following you.

Just because you're a patricide,

It doesn't mean that you can be untidy,

Make the world a nice place to live,

For others are following you.

Don't make a bonfire of Mother if

You live in a smoke-free zone.

You'll bring disgrace on the family

And lower the neighborhood's tone.

Just feed her into the furnace;

That way you'll save energy, too.

Please leave the garden just as you found it,

For others are following you.

Just because you're a matricide. . .

Please do not poison your brother;

That might be hard to explain,

Just get him drunk on rye whiskey

And then shove him under a train.

One thing that you should remember is

To have him insured e'er you do.

Please leave Amtrak just as you found it,

For others are following you.

Just because you're a fratricide. . .

Don't have a cookout with Baby,

He's so small, he'll only serve six,

The steaks that you get will be paltry;

He's hardly got ribs or drumsticks.

You'll find that he'll go much further

Served up in a hearty ragout.

Please leave the dining room just as you found it,

For others are following you.

Just because you're an infanticide. . .

Please don't go slashing your jugular

And dripping all over the floor.

Don't cut your wrists at the bathroom sink

And cover the faucets with gore.

Just take