Frank Zappa (lead guitar, vocals)

Warren Cucurullo (rhythm guitar, vocals)

Denny Walley (slide guitar, vocals)

Ike Willis (lead vocals)

Peter Wolf (keyboards)

Arthur Barrow (bass, vocals)

Ed Mann (percussion)

Vinnie Colaiuta (drums)



Arriving at L. Ron Hoover's modernistic office / cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, Joe is greeted by a pre-recorded message and a dramatically illuminated image on a wall-sized TV screen...



L. Ron Hoover:

Welcome to the First Church of Appliantology! The WHITE ZONE is for loading and unloading only!



Don't you be Tarot-fied

It's just a token

of my extreme

Don't you be Tarot-fied

It's just a token

of my extreme



Don't you never try to

look behind my eyes

You don't wanna know

what they have seen

Don't you never try to

look behind my eyes

You don't wanna know

what they have seen



Joe: (thinking to himself)

Some people think

That if they go too far

They'll never get back

To where the rest of

them are

I might be crazy

But there's one thing

I know

You might be surprised

At what you find

when ya go!



And thus, having ration- alized his expedition to L. Ron's modernistic office / cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, JOE seeks The Answer to his problem...



Joe:

Oh oh oh

Mystical Advisor

What is my problem,

tell me

Can you see?



L. Ron Hoover:

Well, you have nothing

to fear, my son!

You are a Latent

Appliance Fetishist,

It appears to me!



Joe:

That all seems very,

very strange

I never craved

a toaster

Or a color T.V.



L. Ron Hoover:

A Latent Appliance

Fetishist

Is a person who

refuses to admit

to his or herself

That sexual

gratification can

only be achieved

Through the use of

MACHINES...

Get the picture?



Joe:

Are you telling me

I should come out

of the closet now

Mr. Ron?



L. Ron Hoover:

No, my son!

You must go into

THE CLOSET



Joe:

What?



L. Ron Hoover:

And you will have



Joe:

Heh?



L. Ron Hoover:

Hey!

A lot of fun!

That's where

they all live

So if you want an

Appliance to love you

You'll have to

go in there

'N' get you one



Joe:

Well...that seems

simple enough...



L. Ron Hoover:

Yes, but if you want a

really GOOD one,

You'll have to learn a

foreign language...



Joe:

German, for instance?



L. Ron Hoover:

That's right...

A lot of really cute

ones come from

over there!

(Fifty bucks, please)

And a cheerful group of

Appliantologists dance

into the room wearing

aluminum foil lab smocks,

lock arms in a circle

around JOE, making sure

he pays in full, all the

while singing with L. RON

as he delivers his final

instructions...



L. Ron Hoover:

If you been

Mod-O-fied,

It's an illusion,

an yer in between

Don't you be

Tarot-fied,

It's just a lot of nothin',

So what can it mean?



If you been

Mod-O-fied,

It's an illusion,

an yer in between

Don't you be

Tarot-fied,

It's just a lot of nothin',

So what can it mean?



If you been

Mod-O-fied,

It's an illusion,

an yer in between...