DENIS LEARY - ASSHOLE



(Spoken)

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.

About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down

in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the

cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle

area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the

colon, we don't know.



(Sung)

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.

I'm your average white suburbanite slob.

I like football and porno and books about war.

I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.



My wife and my job, my kids and my car.

My feet on my table and a cuban cigar.



But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested

(oh no) no way (uh-uh)

No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense

(oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,

While people behind me are going insane.



I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and piss on the seat,

I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,

While handicapped people make handicapped faces.

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)



Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song

Ranting and raving and carrying on

Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

NAAAAH!



I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)



(Spoken)

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado,

hot-fuckin'-pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big

brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in

that baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down

quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-

biodegradable styrofoam containers... yeah! And when I'm done suckin' down

those greaseball burgers I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the

side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why?

Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah! Two words--nuclear fuckin'

weapons, OK? Russia, Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the democracy

they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of

Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, because we got

the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen! And when we find a cure for

cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You

know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million

times--that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and

John Casavetti and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of fuckin' whisky and drive...



(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?)



Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Chris. I thought I was the

asshole... all the time it was him... what an asshole!



(Sung)

I'm an asshole (I'm an asshole, he's an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

A S-S H-O L-E

Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E

Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay

A-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom

Oooooooo



(Spoken)

I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it!



(Chris mouths: Asshole