"Are you all settled in? Right, then we can begin. My name is..."

"ALFIE!"

Once there was a time

When my mind lay on higher things

And once there was a time

I could find pretty words to sing

But now, well now I find

It saves time to say what you mean

I know it seems so unrefined

but it's time to let off some steam

Oh come on!

Everybody knows that No means Yes

Just like glasses come free on the N.H.S.

But the more I look through them the more I see

I'm becoming more like Alfie

Once there was a time

When a kind word could be enough

And once there was a time

I could blindfold myself with love

But not now - now I'm resigned

To the kind of life I had reserved

For other guys less smart than I

Y'know - the kind who will always end up with the girls

And besides

Everybody knows that No means Yes

Just like glasses come free on the N.H.S.

But the more I look through them the more I see

I'm becoming more like Alfie

Oh come on!