When you've had too much to drink

there's certain things to keep in mind.

Like when you find your hand and underarms are bleeding

your beer bottle might not have a twist off cap

and don't ever go home with a woman they call Moose

or Vince

And never bet that you can fit your head inside a glove compartment



Get drunk with dignity

Keep in mind that just because a bulldog licks your face

its not necessary to lick him back

Stay away from drinks with names like

brain seizure or hippo laxative

Get drunk with dignity



If a bar has human ears nailed ot the walls

don't pass out there

and if your homemade jello has some goldfish in it

you used the wrong bowl

And there are phrases you must learn to avoid

phrases like