[1st verse:]

I hate to brag about my fam'ly but I must say that

My father is the greatest man who ever wore a hat

He always took things easy in an easy sort of way

And when it came to taking things, just kindly let me say



[1st chorus:]

No one could do it like my father!

Ever clever, stunning, cunning father!

Other men might do the same

But when it came to make a name

No one could do it like my dad!



[2nd verse:]

At keeping servant girls, my father always was an ace!

He had a certain way to keep the ladies in their place

Their place was in the kitchen and his place to keep them there

I don't know how he did it but I really must declare



[2nd chorus:]

No one could do it like my father

Ever clever, stunning, cunning father

Servants liked the cops, of course

So father joined the police force

No one could do it like my dad



[3rd verse:]

One night papa went in to see that great Salome dance

You talk about attention, say! he gave her ev'ry glance

He has my mother dancing now, her brain is in a whirl

And only here last week he came home with a string of pearls



[3rd chorus:]

No one could do it like my father

Ever clever, stunning, cunning father

Now he always stays at home

Mama has learned that dance Salome

No one could do it like my dad



[4th verse:]

My mother weighs three hundred pounds but don't give it away

She bought a brand new sheath gown and she wore it yesterday

My father showed his dignity when mother showed her sock

Then just to make the two ends meet he used a big padlock



[4th chorus:]

No one could do it like my father

Ever clever, stunning, cunning father

Neighbor Jones and his neighbor Lee

Are hunting for my father's key

And no one could do it like my dad



[5th verse:]

I haven't told you how my father and my mother wed

She was an old maid, he a burglar underneath her bed

She flashed a gun at father and said, "I must be your wife"

My father wears a medal now for saving someone's life



[5th chorus:]

No one could do it like my father

Ever clever, stunning, cunning father

Mother thinks a lot of pa

But father drinks to think of ma

And no one could do it like my dad



[6th chorus:]

The other night when pa came home, he found to his surprise

The iceman and my mother on the sofa making eyes

He did not get excited, no! not one word did he say

But when the iceman's bill came due, papa refused to pay



[6th chorus:]

No one could do it like my father

Ever clever, stunning, cunning father

Father proved he was no slouch

He fooled them all when he sold the couch

And no one could do it like my dad



[7th verse:]

When father went to school they tell me he was very bad

They also say he had a purpose to make teacher mad

She'd make him stay in after school and pa would ne'er refuse

For when it came to helping teacher tie her dainty shoes:



[7th chorus:]

No one could do it like my father

Ever clever, stunning, cunning father

Teacher knew a thing or two

She always wore a low cut shoe

No one could do it like my dad



[8th verse:]

We lived right by a railway station not so far from here

And father would make faces at the passing engineers

They'd all throw coal at father, yes they would upon my soul

And when the winter came around we never needed coal



[8th chorus:]

No one could do it like my father

Ever clever, stunning, cunning father

First he got coal one by one

And now he sells it by the ton

And no one could do it like my dad



[9th verse:]

Around election time my father never knows his name

Sometimes it's Breen, or Smith, or Green, Gilhouley or McShane

Then other times it's Harrigan, O'Connor, or O'Dell

They ought to call him "Winchester" 'cause he repeats so well



[9th chorus:]

No one could do it like my father

Ever clever, stunning, cunning father

When you see him change his coat

You know that means another vote

And no one could do it like my dad