Ladies and gentleman of the class of '98

people often ask me if I have any advice to offer

and when they do, I tell them this:



If you're unsure about what you're going to do with your life

try to remember some of the most interesting people didn't know what

they

were going to do at age 22 or even at 40, and nearly all of them are

unemployed drug addicts forced to live on cat food.

Also understand that friends will come and go - this is because of your

irritating personality - nobody likes you. So if the only thing getting

you

through the day is the misconception that people like you - end it now.



(gunshot)



Learn how to smoke Winnie blues. If you're underaged, get an older kid to

buy them for you. Get to really know your parents - they're good for

money.

Milk them, then put them in an old people's home. Travel as often as you

can. Live in New York City once. Live in northern California once. Never

live in Adelaide - it's a hole.



Maybe you'll marry. Maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll have children. Maybe you won't. If you do have children,

lock

them under the stairs.

Do one thing each day that scares you. Sing. Dance. Jump in front of a

car.

Do not trust anyone who tries to update Shakespeare for the kids. And

if

you see Quindon Tarver in the street - punch him in the face for me...



Brother and sister, we can be free.

(punching-sound-effect, feedback)



If you're worried about the way you look, try to remember you're

probably

fatter than you think. Maybe you should consider an eating disorder.

Don't

worry too much about the future. If you're nervous about an exam, ring

up

your school at the scheduled time and make a bomb threat. If you're a

girl,

lie about period pains to get out of anything that you don't want to

do. Cheat if you think you can get away with it. Remember, someone with

richer parents is getting private tuition.



Shoplift as often as you can. Shopping centres factor shop lifting into

their prices so if you don't do it, it's like they're getting money for

free. When you're on work experience, steal a cabcharge and take a taxi

to

Perth. Wear sunscreen, but only if its that coconut oil that gives you

cancer. Keep your old love letters. If you see an old lover in the

street,

try to run them over in your car. Don't mess too much with your hair,

otherwise by the time you're 35, you'll look like Greg Matthews.

Remember

you can wear your underwear 4 times without washing: forwards,

backwards,

inside out forwards, inside out backwards.



Brother and sister we can be free-ee-ee,

Brother and sister, we can belieeeeve, we can belie-

(multiple gunshots)



Congregate in gangs around train stations and shopping centres. It's a

free

country. It's public space. Skateboard on war memorials. Smoke in your

school uniform. Set off car alarms. Plant drugs on a teacher. Join a

cult.

Spike drinks. Don't flush public toilets. Remember, only you will only

truly take care of you - so carry a concealed weapon. Don't wear your P

plates. Walk around with your eyelids rolled back. Touch you tongue on

the

tip of batteries. Be open to new love. Remember, you can't get pregnant

the first time you have sex. Expect others to support you. It's easy to

get

the dole - and still do cash in hand work. Respect your elders. When

your

grandma dies have her stuffed. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss

them

when you're kneecapped by a lone shark. Get revenge. Don't forgive

anyone

for anything. But most of all, don't aim too high - You're probably only

suited to an office or factory job.



And trust me on the Winnie blues