All the secrets we have shared

Have moved to a couple better paired

So if he impales himself on javelin or spike

I will try my best to be the perfect lookalike



And if he wants to be smart

And enter a property quiz

Every weed in the garden's mine but the lawnmower's his

Every weed in the garden's mine but the lawnmower's his



And if his manhood needs the help of scaffold or even a winch

I will gladly supplement that extra little inch

And if it ever reaches tie-break at the property quiz

If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my tits and fanny not his

If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my not his



Now you've found someone new

May I watch him do what I used to do

So if he dies an ugly death or even if he faints

I'll be there at the window with my face pressed up against



Maybe I shouted too loud

Maybe you were blissfully deaf

But I hope he's a better sport than he was a ref

I hope he's a better sport than he was a ref



And if his manhood needs the help of scaffold or even a winch

I will gladly supplement that extra little inch

And if it ever reaches tie-break at the property quiz

If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my tits and fanny not his

If they've got my fingerprints on, they're my not his



I hope he likes to fly

And is a good host to every guest

'Cause there's less chance of dying in a crash than being bored to death

Yes there's less chance of dying in a crash than being bored to death



And if his manhood needs the help of scaffold or even a winch

I will gladly supplement that extra little inch

And if it ever reaches tie-break at the property quiz

If they've got my fingerprints on, they'