(Warren Zevon and Carl Hiaasen)

Got a Glock in the bedside table

Machine gun leaning by the bedroom door

Kevlar vest in the closet

Well, I wear it when I go to the store



Shadows on the window

Rustling in the hedge

Faces at the peephole

Footsteps on the ledge



If you come calling

He'll be mauling with intent to maim

Don't knock on my door

If you don't know my Rottweiler's name



Halogen lights in the driveway

Guardian Angels living next door

One hundred pounds of unfriendly persuasion

Sleeping on the Florida porch



Slackers in the market

Bangers in the mall

Skinheads on the golf course

Hunting for their balls



If you come calling

He'll be mauling with intent to maim

Don't knock on my door

If you don't know my Rottweiler's name



Well, he's dreaming about an intruder or two

And the promise of burglar blood

He's yearning to chew on a gangster tattoo

And to hear the proverbial sickening thud



Shadows on the window

Rustling in the hedge

Faces at the peephole

Footsteps on the ledge



If you come calling

He'll be mauling with intent to maim

Don't knock on my door

If you don't know my Rottweiler's name