Well, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness

preachin' door to door everyday

with my New World Translation

and a bag full of books

hustlin' them Watchto'ers and Awakes.



Yeah, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness

from the time when I was just a little kid

My moma taught it to me

and I tried earnestly

to do everything that they said.



I had no friends, I had no lovers

I had my hands underneath the covers

I was waitin' for Armageddon to proceed

Them folks have been waitin' since 1914.



Well, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness

Preachin' door to door everyday

with my hair cut real short

out on your front porch

trying to save you from Babylon the Great.



Yeah, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness

the biggest nerd that you ever saw

until the day that I snapped

I came unwrapped

And I burned down the Kingdom Hall



Well I stood there and I watched it burning

And it kinda made me a little bit glad

So I went and I bought myself a birthday present

And on the way home I saluted a flag



Yeah, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness

but now I'm just an average man

a little screwed in the head

from the childhood I led

but I'm trying to do the best that I can



So Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday

I pledge allegence, oh say can you see

I know it all sounds a little bit confusin'

But if I'm ever in a car wreck,

I'm gonna get a blood transfusion.



Yeah, I used to be a Jerhovah's Witness

preachin' door to door everyday

with my New World Translation

and a bag full of books

hustlin' them Watchto'ers and Awakes.