although i call myself a mother,

i don't have you in my arms

you're not here to hold and to call my own



not here for me to love...





but i am your mother

although others don't see it

i carried you inside me for months

watched my stomach grow

waiting with excitement and fear of the day

that you would join me



merely a child myself

i felt your small kicks,

i spent the late nights

praying for you and the early mornings being sick





until one day, far to early,

the pains started coming, unlike

anything i have ever felt before i told myself everything

would be ok, it would all work out,

but i was wrong

i did not work out as i had planned, nothing like the movies





there was no little bundle of joy, just a small baby without a chance

already gone, never really here, not a breath in this world





a boy, so small and so perfect, I'm sure you had your daddies eyes,

although you never opened them.





as i held you to say good-bye, to the son i will never know

i thought about all the things you would of done

all the trips to the zoo, the smiles, the laughter

never will you have your first kiss, never a chance to fall in love





to the others all i am is a messed up teenager,

not a human who has feelings of my own,

who can experience a loss as well



they don't see that i am a mother,

as you are not with us, only in our hearts

and with me i shall take the memories

of all the days spent waiting,

and dreaming of what wasn't meant to be





people try to tell me to move on, but i wont

it's too hard without you

i've tried the sewing, the reading, the help groups

and talking to friends,

it's no use

i've baked batch after batch of cookies,

but nothing seems to ease the pain





i can see you now, a month old, a year old, graduating,

star of the football team





god took you away from us, for a reason unseen by many

and with him you shall be,

until the day i may join you

and we will live together once more



to this story there is no happy ending, only more pain and sorrow

eventually, it will ebb, but for now i must continue,

without my son,



little william, your friends would have called you billy.......