Aquarius!

Theres travel in your future when your tounge freezes to the back of a speeding bus,

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-a-mole 17 hours a day.



Picies!

Try to aviod any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola Viruis

You are the true lord of the dance,

No matter what those idiots at work say



Aires!



The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,

And give a hickey to Maryil Streep.



Taurus!

You will never find true happiness,

What you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict that tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.



Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay

Thats your horoscope for today

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay

Thats your horoscope for today



Gemini!

Your birthday party will be ruined once again, by your explosive flatulance,

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancie throws a javilin through your chest.



Cancer!

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud,

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driving test.



Leo!

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and tape it to your bosses face, oh no,

Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick



Virgo!

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligence, EXCEPT FOR YOU!

Expect a big suprise today, when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.



Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay

Thats your horoscope for today

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay

Thats your horoscope for today



Now you may find it inconciveable or at the very least a bit unlikely,

that the relitive position of the planets and the stars could have

could a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,

But let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions,

are all based on on solid scientific documented evidence,

so you would have to be some kind of moron,

not to realize that every single one of them is absoultely true, Where was I?



Libra!

A big promotion is just around the corner,

for someone much more talented than you!

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.



Scorpio!

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window,

Work a little bit harder on improving you low self esteem, you stupid freak.



Sagitatirius!

All your friends are laughing behind your back, Kill Them....

Take down all the naked pictuires of Ernest Borgiene you've got hanging in your den.



Capricorn!

The stars say you're a exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying,

If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows and never, never, never, never, never, leave my house again



Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay

Thats your horoscope for today

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay

Thats your horoscope for today