Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the

stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the

street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway,

back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy...

except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my

mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.

Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!

Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.



I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an

oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S

GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my

mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half

years old.



That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that

basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is

always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels

are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles

all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for

a nickel!



Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!



Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream

came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this

contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in

Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand

prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...



to Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!



Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta

tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large

Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in

back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of

Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with

Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we

went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a

giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?



'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position



Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin'

wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin'

along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone

and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed

glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous

Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can

eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're

clean.



Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned

on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate

mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's

a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?



I say, "Who is it?" No answer.

"Who is it?" There's no answer.

"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.

So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected,

it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls, haircut, and

only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.



So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and

I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a

snorkel to me."



And he's like, "Tough!"

And I'm like, "Give it!"

And he's like, "Make me!"

And I'm like, "'kay!"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear

and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave

a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in

the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty

seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said?

I'll tell ya what it said!



It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."



In Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!



Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I

made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would

not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to

justice.



But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I

drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the

counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"



I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."

I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."

I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."

I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"

I said, "You got any apple fritters?"

He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"

I said, "You got any bear claws?"

He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."



"No, we're outta bear claws!"

I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"

He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."

I said, "OK, I'll take that."

So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out

and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over.

Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You

know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started

goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:



DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em

off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,

AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!



I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my

face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like

a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly

when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a

caligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of

strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to

me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."



That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that.

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece

of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got

married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children,

Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.

But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie

pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah!

Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"



So we broke up, and I never saw her again

but that's just the way things go



In Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!



Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week

later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a

part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I

put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty

jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.



OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess

earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty

tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to

him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And

Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you

to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.



And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just

being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know

that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got

a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?



Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to

me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days.

Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out

of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all

over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps

rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh!

AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of

the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?



Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.



Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of

saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...

I HATE SAUERKRAUT!



That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way,

if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential

quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and

isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take

a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this

crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place



called Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)



I said A! (A!)

L! (L!)

B! (B!)

U! (U!)

.... querque! (querque!)



(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

Al...buquerque!

*burp*

heh heh heh heh