Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the

man you wanna talk to will probably be my cousin

Earl. I guess you all know Earl; he lives out on

Route 13 out on that maggot farm. Earl don't like

it when you get his maggot farm confused with a worm

farm. A worm farm is for worms, and a maggot farm

is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest maggots

in the state. Three feet long. Of course, now Earl

pleads this might be due to the fact that St.

Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping their

waste on his property. Interesting thing about

three-foot maggots in that...that, well, one day

China disappeared, and the next day his television

disappeared, and a few days after that, his '57

Chevy disappeared. But there they are: the world's

biggest maggots.



Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standin' in the

kitchen, giant maggots crawlin' across the floor,

and Earl turns to me, and he says, "Do you ever go

to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs

all over it?" and he gives me a look that still

chills me to this day.



Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl

Junior, which I think is pretty clever, since he is

Earl's son. He's not really a normal boy, ever

since that tractor accident. Anyway, he ran up

$5,000 in "976-" phone bills. He called weird,

unnatural numbers, like "976-PIGG" with two G's, and

"976-SHEEP", which has five letters in it, I know.

He's a sick boy. Earl suggested that, well, maybe I

talk to him. So I went into his bedroom, and I sat

him down, but before I could say a word, Earl Junior

looked at me, and he said, "Didja ever go to make a

pork sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?"

And he gave me a look that still chills me to this

day.



Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-

Sue. And Effie-Sue, she don't look so much like a

little girl, as she looks like a...a big pile of

fungus. Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St.

Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping on his

maggot farm. Yeah, I never had much contact with

Essie...Effie-Sue. Excuse me, I don't even think

that much of her to get her name right. I never had

much contact with her. She just normaally just sits

on the couch like a little ball of fungus and just

...boils away. Well, one day, she looked at me, and

that little ball of fungus opened its mouth (or what

I guess was its mouth - I'd hate to think what else

it could be), and out of that orifice floated the

words, "Didja ever go to make a...a pork sausage and

find it's got hair all over it?", and then that...

that little ball of fungus gave me a look that

chills me to this day.



Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her...Wife. We

don't know her name, because she's never really said

that much. For the longest time, we thought she

could only say two words, which were "dog" and

"pussy". We thought that meant "dog" and "cat", but

then we found out that what she was really trying to

say was "dog-pussy", one big hyphenated word, which

doesn't come up much in conversation, especially

amongst Baptists. We never heard her say anything

other than that. You know, she works down at...at

St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage

Distillery, got a good-paying job there, although

she only does say those...well that one word. And

we have heard her say another thing once, but that

was a long time ago. We were sittin' around the

house, and she looked at me, and she said, "Do you

ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's

got hairs growin' all over it?", and she gave me a

look that chills me to this day.



Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishin'

down in Miller's Creek. He took his wife, who could

only say "dog-pussy"; he took his son, Earl Junior,

who took the day off from calling "976-" barnyard

numbers; and he took that little...that little ball

of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue, of his along with

him. They all got in a little boat and they started

fishing. Now St. Smithen's Medical Facility and

Pork Sausage Distillery has been known to dump their

stuff into Miller's Creek. All sorts of heinous

stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with

little things on them that say "St. Smithen's

Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery".

Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he caught a wall-eyed

bass, which had twenty-seven eyes on it. It was a

twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed bass. Earl looked at

it, and decided, "Mmmm, wouldn't this be good to

eat!" So he took out his knife to cut it open.

But that fish looked up at him, and it said,

"Please, mister! Please, don't eat me!" And Earl

said, "But I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I work on a

maggot farm! My wife can only say 'dog-pussy'! My

daughter is a pile of fungus! My son spent all his

college money calling '976-' numbers! I have to eat

you!" And that fish said, "Please, don't eat me,

mister, please!" And he said, "I have to! I have

to!" So the fish said, "Alright then, if you're

gonna to cut me open, let me ask you one question:

Didja ever go to eat a pork sausage and find that

it's got hairs growin' all over it?" And then, all

twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl, and they

stared back at his wife who could only say "dog-

pussy", and they stared back at his weird "976-"

animal-calling son, and they stared back at that...

little pile of pus that passes for Earl's daughter.

And they gave them a look! All twenty-seven eyes

gave them a look! A look that they would not forget

until this very day!



Oh, man