Asshole - Denis Leary



(Spoken)

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.

About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down

in the bottom of our chests. About that special feeling we get in the

cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle

area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the

colon, we don't know.



(Sung)

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.

I'm your average white suburbanite slob.

I like football and porno and books about war.

I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.



My wife and my job, my kids and my car.

My feet on my table...and a cuban cigar.



But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested

no way

No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah



I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,

While people behind me are going insane.



I'm an asshole

I'm an asshole



I use public toilets and I piss on the seat,

I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"



I'm an asshole

I'm an asshole



Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,

While handicapped people make handicapped faces.



I'm an asshole

I'm an asshole



Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song

Ranting and raving and carrying on

Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...



NAAAAH!



I'm an asshole

I'm an asshole



(Spoken)

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado

Convertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow

interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm

gonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour, getting 1 mile

per gallon, suckin' down quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's

in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when

I'm done suckin' down those greaseball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth

on the American Flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers

right out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can

do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why Two

words: Nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK? Russia, Germany, Romania, they

can have all the democracy they want...they can have a big democracy

cakewalk right through the middle of Tienamen Square and it won't make

a lick of difference, because we got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not

dead, he's frozen! And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're

gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know

why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15

million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be.

I'm gonna get the Duke and John Casavetti and Lee Marvin



and Sam Peckinpaw



and a case of whisky



and drive to Texas...(HEY, HEY HEY!>







Why don't you shut up and sing the song, pal?



(Sung)

I'm an asshole

I'm an asshole

A S-S H-O L-E

Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E

Arf, Arf Arf, Arf Arf, Arf Arf

Thoomph A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom

Oooooooo



(Spoken)

I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it