Aquarius

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day



Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the tru Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say



Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep



Taurus

You will never find tru happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep



That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today



Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest



Cancer

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test



Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik



Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick



That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your hor