Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon, independent as a hog on ice

He's a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse

Plays accordion for Mr. Weiss



Uncle Biltmore and Uncle William

Made a million during World War Two

But they're tightwads and they're cheapskates

And they'll never give a dime to you



Auntie Mame has gone insane

She lives in the doorway of an old hotel

And the radio is playing opera

All she ever says is "Go to hell"



Uncle Violet flew as a pilot

And there ain't no pretty girls in France

Now he runs a tiny little bookie joint

They say he never keeps it in his pants



Uncle Bill will never leave a will

And the tumor is as big as an egg

He has a mistress, she's Puerto Rican

And I heard she has a wooden leg



Uncle Phil can't live without his pills

He has emphysema and he's almost blind

And we must find out where the money is

Get it now before he loses his mind



Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon, independent as a hog on ice

He's a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse

He plays accordion for Mr. Weiss