Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged

There's a pain where there once was a heart

It's sleepin, it's a beatin'

Can't ya please tear it out, and preserve it

Right there in that jar?



Oh help me, please mama, I'm sick'ning

It's today that's the day of the plunge

Oh the gal I'm to marry

Is a bow-legged sow

I've been soakin' up drink like a sponge



"Don't ya worry, get dressed," cried my mother

As she plied me with bourbon so sour

Pull your socks up, put your suit on

Comb your long hair down,

For you will be wed in the hour



So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged

There's a pain where there once was a heart

I'm sleepin, it's a beatin'

Can't ya please take it out, and preserve it

Right there in that jar?



Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged

There's a pain where there once was a heart

It's sleepin, it's a beatin'

Can't ya please tear it out, and preserve it

Right there in that jar?



I was tremblin', as I put on my jacket

It had creases as sharp as a knife

I put the ring in my pocket

But there was a note

And my heart it jumped into my mouth



It read, "Darlin', I'm sorry to hurt you.

But I have no courage to speak to your face.

But I'm down in Virginia with your cousin Lou

There be no wedding today."



So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged

You can put back my heart in its hole

Oh mama, I'm cryin'

Tears of relief

And my pulse is now under control