You are... you gotta tell me something... I mean, seriously, I'm

tellin' you this is the first time that any of my girlfriends and I

have ever met anybody really from Hollywood... I mean, really... my

girlfriend Jim, and Ian, and Aynsley, and Bob, and Frank... I mean,

none of us...



Pleased to meet you...



Hi Howie



We never met a pop star from Hollywood... tell me something: have

you ever met Davey Jones? or Bobby Sherman?



No.. no, I ..



I mean... David Cassady, he's so...



Jimmy Greenspoon, once I...



Three Dog Night?!!



Yeah...



Oh! I love them! They're my favorite band!.. ow gawd.. oh, do you

like my new car? I'm ah.. my Dad just gave it to me for graduation..





Ah yeaah?!! I'ts a ... it's a Fillmore, isn't it? Real futuristic,

ah.. I dig the fins... listen: do you know how to get to the ah

Hollywood Inn from here?



No, ah.. which one is it?



(burp) excuse me. It's the one by the airport... you know... cause

we gotta get up early an'.. fly outta here in the morning,

y'know...



Oh, I didn't know that... Where do you guys play tomorrow night? I

mean, I'd like to come maybe... in your bus or somethin'...



Yeah?..



(Voice in background):

In the BUS!



Come in the bus, huh?... Tomorrow we're in ah, let's see... Tierra

del Fuego...



Ook! You're so professional, Howie!



Oh, it's not... it's nothing...



Howie, I mean, the way you gettin' tp-tp to play, an all these

exotic places, I mean...



Yeah



Tell me something.. tell me and my girl-... TELL me: Do you really

have a hit record... on the charts now?... with a BULLET? ... I mean

that's really important to me...



Listen, honey: Would I lie to you just to get in your pants?



He-Het! Listen! Hey, listen to me tellin' ya: WE ARE NOT GROUPIES!



Naw, I never.. I never said...



We are not groupies! You better understand that!.. I told Robert

Planet, I told Elton John, I told all those big guys...



Robert PLANET?!



We are not groupies!



No, I never..



Roger Daltrey never laid a hand on me!



Yaw.. it's obvious to see why... listen, I never...



(2nd non-groupie):

Howie..



(1st non-groupie):

Tell him! Tell him right now!



(2nd non-groupie):

We only like musicians for f-friends. You know?



(voices in back):

Real straight arrow, Howie, Really... just for friends, Howie...



(2nd non-groupie):

But we still like you Yeah.. we wouldn't mind coming in your bus,

but..



(2nd non-groupie):

I mean, we still want to hear your record...



Listen you chicks!now didn' .. didn't you just say that you got off

bein' juked with a BABY OCTOPUS and spewed upon with cream corn?

an' that your hair-lipped dyke-o bass-playing girlfriend on the

backseat had to have it with a YOO-HOO bottle or she went

apeshit?!..



Ooooh..



What's the deal, baby? Come on..



Howie! Howie, lissen yo me... all that's true..



Come across..



All that's true, and sometimes I even dig it with a Doctor Brown's

Cream Soda... or a CEL-RAY!... but! we are not groupies! No matter

what you think...



No, I never...



We are not groupies..



You see, there seems to be some kind of a communication problem,

honey... because I... I am a lonely guy from outta town, y'know

an'... an' I want some ACTION... what I'm talkin' about is, I

wanna... a-a-steaming... succulent... ever-widening, gooey, drippy,

runny kind of a hole with a... with... how shall I put this... what

say we hop in the trunk of your Gremlin AN' GET OUR ROCKS OFF...



Hey! hey-hey-hey-heyyyy.... Jesus!...



(voice in back):

I'm in this band, man...



(voice up front):

Very agile, Howie, very agile...



(voice in back):

I am in this band no matter what we do up here... it's all...



Now lissen! It just so happend... tonight me and my girlfriends, I

mean, we've all come here for one thing tonight...



Yeah?



Looking for a guy... And we're looking for a guy from a group



Wow



BUT HE'S GOTTA HAVE A DICK!



WAAAH!



AND HE'S GOTTA HAVE A DICK THAT'S A MONSTER!!



WAAAAAAAAH!... That's me!! That's me! ooh! ... oooohh, you

voluptouns Manhattan Island clit.. Take me... I'm yours, you

hole... Fulfill my... wildest... dreams!....



Ooooh! Anything for you, my most seductive, seclusive... pop star of

a man... picture this if you can: bead jobs! knotted nylons! bamboo

canes! three unreleased recordings of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

fighting in the dressing-room of the Fillmore East! Why, 'n

enchilada wrapped with pickle sauce shook up and down in between a

donkey's legs until he can't it stand anymore! All this and more,

Howie! Including! an electric coolde pony harness, with fuel

injection... fuel injection... fuel injection...



Oooh! my god, I ... I ... I can't stand it!... I mean... I mean, dou

you understand the implications of what I'm saying? I CAN'T STAND

IT!!! I CAN'T STAND IT !! I CAN'T STAND IT!! OH NO!!... Oh my god...

I'm going home! I'm gonna see my baby... (etc) I really can't stand

it... please... give it to me... give it to me right here in the

trunk of your Gremlin.. give me... GIVE ME THE ENCHILADA WITH THE

PICKLES SAUCE SHOVED UP BETWEEN A DONKEY'S ASS UNTIL HE CAN'T COME

ANYMORE!...



Hey-hey! haha! Not until you sing me your big hit record!... and I

want to hear the big hit record, and I wanna hear it now, an' I

wanna hear the big hit record now with a bullet! With a bullet!



The bullet?



The BULLET! The BULLET! I'ts the part that gets me the hottest...

hehe!.. now sing me that record, and I wanna hear it right now or

you ain't driving nowhere tonight, buddy...



Well, I know when I'm licked... all over.... Okay, baby: BEND OVER

AND SPREAD 'EM!... Here comes my... BULLET!!



(all sing Happy Together