And if one day I should become

A singer with a Spanish bum

Who sings for women of great virtue

I'd sing to them with a guitar

I'd borrow from a coffee bar

- Well, what you don't know doesn't hurt you



My name would be Antonio

And all my bridges I would burn

And when I sang a song they'd know

I'd expect something in return...

I'd have to get drunk every night

And talk about virility

With some old grandmother who might

Be decked out like a Christmas tree



And no pink elephants I would see

Though I'd be drunk as I can be

Still I would sing my song to me

About the time they called me Jackie



If I could be for only an hour

If I could be for an hour every day

If I could be for just one little hour

Cute - in a stupid-assed way



And if I joined the social world

Became procurer of young girls

And I would have my own bordello

My records would be number one

And I'd sell records by the tonne

All sang by many other fellows



My name would then be Handsome Jack

And I'd sell boats of opium

Whisky that came from Twickenham

Offering queers and phoney virgins

If I had banks on every finger

A finger in every country

And all the countries ruled by me

I'd still know exactly where I'd want to be...



Holed up inside my opium den

Surrounded by some chinamen

I'd sing a song that I sang then

About the time they called me Jackie



If I could be for only an hour

If I could be for an hour every day

If I could be for just one little hour

Cute - in a stupid-assed way



Now tell me wouldn't it be nice

That if one day in paradise

I'd sing for all the ladies up there

And they would