LAST WILL AND TEMPERAMENT



performed by the Frantics





LAWYER: As executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read

Mr. Muldoon's Last Will and Testament.



HEDGE: Well, get on with it! The bars open soon.



JENNY: Oh, poor Arthur! Waah!



HANK: There, there Jenny!



RALSTON: How predictably boring.



MRS. MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man.



LAWYER: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.



RALSTON: I knew it.



HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah.



LAWYER: I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body --



HEDGE: That's a laugh! Hah, hah, hah, hah...



LAWYER: -- do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my

overly emotional sister Jenny --



JENNY: Waahh!



HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.



LAWYER: -- who grubbed with her husband Hank, grubbed for everything they

could get from me and then shed crocodile tears when I needed sympathy; to

Jenny I leave... a boot to the head.



HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah!



JENNY: A what ? (THUMP!) Ow!



HANK: Jenny, are you okay?



LAWYER: And another boot to her wimpy husband Hank.



HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!



LAWYER: Ah, but still, you are my sister. You have both admired my Rolls

Royce, and since I no longer need it --



JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!



LAWYER: -- I bequeath... another boot to the head.



JENNY: What? (THUMP!) Ow!



HEDGE: Hah, hah, hah, hah!



LAWYER: And another one for the wimp.



HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!



LAWYER: Next, to my alcoholic brother --



HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head.



LAWYER: -- to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life --



HEDGE: I'm covering up my head!



LAWYER: -- I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey.



HEDGE: Really?



LAWYER: And a boot to the head.



HEDGE: (THUMP!) Oh!



LAWYER: And another for Jenny and the wimp.



JENNY: (THUMP!) Uh!



HANK: (THUMP!) Ow!



LAWYER: Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston --



RALSTON: This is so predictable.



LAWYER: I leave a boot to the head.



RALSTON: (THUMP!) Uh! I knew it.



LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp.



JENNY: (THUMP!) Ow!



HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!



LAWYER: This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Mulroy --



MRS. MULROY: Oh, ah, I don't want nuthin'.



LAWYER: -- who took care of me faithfully these many many years, who cared,

made me laugh, brought me tea --



MRS. MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind.



LAWYER: To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath... a boot to the head.



MRS. MULROY: (THUMP!) Oh!



LAWYER: And one for Jenny and the wimp.



JENNY: (THUMP!) Ah!



HANK: (THUMP!) Oh!



LAWYER: And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire, vast... boot to the

head.



MITTENS: (THUMP!) Mroooow!



LAWYER: And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave

not a boot to the head, but a rabid Tasmanian Devil TO BE PLACED IN HIS

TROUSERS??? (growling...) Uhh! Huh! Huh! Huh! (panicking...) And, and, and

I leave my entire estate of ten million dollars to the people of Calgary so

they can afford to move somewhere decent