I lost that pretty little gal of mine to Title Nine.

I found her in the stands but I lost her at the finish line

She was so soft and sweet

But now I find I can't compete

I lost that gal of mine to Title IX.

Sure, I put my money on Billie Jean.

But that damn King has taken away my queen.

She learned a topspin

Now she won't let me win

She doesn't want me on her doubles team.

Her old letters made my heart melt

Now they're on her sweater and they're made of felt

In her bikini she used to look so cute

Now she does laps in her navy blue tank suit.

She does windsprints, I do the wash

I stuff zucchini while she's playing squash

On a date I'm so tense

She's itchin' to try her self defense

And violence I cannot bear to watch.

Her old soft spots are hard today

The problem I've got's just the other way

She used to cheer me as I ran my race

Now I find I can't keep her pace.