I am a gambler

I am Fortune's son

I am the first mate of the NCC-1701D



Well I had an encounter at Farpoint Station

With a little touch of constipation

While I was waiting to come aboard and meet my crew

But when the captain arrived I got this feeling inside

That there was something that I needed to do

And it's true



That when I got to my quarters there was something missing

I didn't have a pot to piss in

But I was too proud to ask an ensign where to go

And so I flashed with a smile and held it in for awhile

And tried not to let it show

But you know



CHORUS:

I asked the ship's computer

I checked the technical guide

But there are no bathrooms on the Enterprise

I've been here seven days

And I can't wait anymore

Pretty soon I'm gonna boldly go where no one's ever gone before



I can't sit down, I'm in some condition

How'd Kirk survive on a five year mission?

This new assignment is getting harder to endure

Cause I ain't feeling so great and I'm putting on lots of weight

I couldn't make it through a three hour tour

That's for sure



And now I've gained twenty pounds and I grew a beard

How could I shave without a bathroom mirror?

If I don't get some relief I'm gonna split my skin

Cause I'm as round as a globe and if I don't launch a probe

Soon I'll weigh enough to be my own twin

My transporter twin



CHORUS