The magazine is now my good friend

I'm thrilled the moment it is opened

It feels so beautiful to pretend

I'm glad it's not goddamned sensational

Rolling up my sleeves to find out

What the stinking fuss is about

I need to prove without a doubt

That nobody is losing their marbles

The psychic friends are here to help us

And hot line girls I know are a must

In consolidated bills we trust

Personal injury lawyers are wonderful

I have got to know what's a postcoital glow

I need to know

A-wop bam boom a-boop bop a-what to do

Quality control is sure great

Any job done well is first rate

Pride in workmanship is worth the wait

Happiness is a thirty day warranty

The diet I've been on is so good

I've lost more weight than I thought I could

My abs are like they're made of fine wood

I fit right in with the people I admire most