The odds have built up of the chance you're going down,

'Cos you're looking pretty guilty in the court of the crown,

And my friend's getting eager to complete this mission,

It's better all round just to sign the confession.

Doesn't matter if you're innocent or guilty as hell,

My friend's got a feeling that you're feeling unwell,

Who cares about the truth, the truth's there to bend,

Do as I say I'm your only friend.

The wicked step father that took a step farther,

Played the patron saint in his shining armor,

With his sword of power and shield to protect you,

Tongue hanging out 'cos he's going to get you.

You know I want to hug you, you know I want to kiss you,

It's your dear old pop and you know I really miss you,

In the pantomime of life look out he's behind you,

Says no I'm just here to remind you.

Best friend I'm all that you've got,

Pretend best friend if you like it or not,

Pretend best friend so don't talk to them,

You've got to talk to me 'cos I'm your best friend.

Call yourself a friend,

That drives me round the bend,

You call me when you like,

And call me what you like.

Was it the father or the son or the holy ghost,

The butler in the kitchen or the game-show host,

The policeman on the corner who'll show you the way,

The geezer with a beard comes on Xmas day.

Could be your mother or your father or your sister or your brother,

Doesn't matter who it is they'll say there ain't no other,

Might never see 'em or you meet them every day,

But who gives a damn when you hear them say.

Best friend I'm all that you've got,

Pretend best friend if you like it or not,

Pretend best friend so don't talk to them,

You've got to talk to me 'cos I'm your best friend