Railroad Bill

by Andy Brickman





Now Railroad Bill was a hard living man

He used to take his women two at a time

And everyone agreed he was the badest engineer

That ever driven down the Santa Fe line

His name was known from the folks back home

To the tippy top of telegraph hill

And all the little boys when they were sneaking cigarettes

They used to dream about the Railroad Bill



Well one day Bill was walking along

And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree

When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder

To set that kitty cat free

Bill said no, ain't gonna do it

Ain't gonna climb up no tree

This is a stupid stupid song and no folk singer

Gonna make a fool outa me



I said one day Bill was walking along

And he saw a kitten stuck in a tree

When he saw what was the matter he ran to get a ladder

To set that kitty cat free

Bill said no, ain't gonna do it

Ain't gonna do what you said

This is a stupid stupid song and as far as I'm concerned

That cat can stay there till it's dead



I said wait a minute Bill, you can't argue with me

For God's sake I just made you up

I got the pen in my hand, I want you up in that tree

I want that cat unstuck

Bill said no, I hate cats

ain't gonna climb for no cat

He said why don'tyou have me save a beautiful girl

Who's been tied down to the railroad tracks?



I said mayb% there'll be room in the 8th or 9th verse

But right now I want you up in that tree

I'm the writer, God Damn, I got the pen in my hand

And you'e suposed to listen to me

He said you asshole!!

Why should I listen to you, you should be listening to me instead

He said I'm a railroad man and if I was real

I'd seperate your face from your head



You ungreatful brute, I cried, you pushed me too far

I gotta show you I can do as I please

So an earthquake came and it shook the whole terrain

And it brought Railroad Bill to his knees

And then a tidal wave broke and everything got soaked

Bill was almost compleatly washed away

And then a big green monster from the planet Neptune landed

An bit Railroad Bill on the leg



I got the pen in my hand!

I can do what I want

I'm a bright new young talent on the rise

So get your ass up that tree or I swear you ain't gonna

Get out of my folk song alive



He said you don't scare me

You might be funny, but you don't scare me

And if you don't leave me alone I'm gonna tell everybody

Where you stole this melody

But before he could speak, his tongue fell out

And he could not make a sound

Suddenly he jumped on top of me and grabbed me by the neck

And pulled me to the ground

And he hit me in the stomach

And he hit me in the face real hard

I think he almost broke my nose

Just then a lightning bolt came outa nowhere

Hit him right between the eyes and killed him instantly



The cat came down from the tree, had a bowl of warm milk

Went to sleep for the night

Railraod Bill is survived by a wife and three kids

Dear God, I love to write