The Sellotape Pipers

(Margaret Stoddart)



Note: **Sellotape is the Scottish word for "Scotch Tape".



Wherever pipers gather

They will argue by the hour

On the merits of a Hardie,

A Sinclair or Kilgour.

They will criticize reeds, drones, and bags

Of every size and shape,

But this time we're going to criticize

The use of sellotape.



Now, don't bother to deny it!

You really must admit

That inside every pipe box

It's a part of standard kit.

All other musicians can

Only stand and gape

When the piper sets to work

With his wee roll of tape.



One well-known clarinetist often

Tells this tale with awe

About one of the strangest

Sights he ever saw --

A piper playing merrily

To set his feet a'tapping

With his chanter very obviously

Still inside a wrapping.



MacDonald's friends were sympathetic,

He had not played well.

"Man, Donnie," said MacAllistair,

"Your F was all to hell."

"I know! I know!" MacDonald cried,

and I could have gone to town,

But I had to give my wife my tape;

Her breeks were coming down."



And then there was the Irishman

Stood on the boards one day,

While judges waited patiently

For him to start to play.

"Yer Honours! I apologize,

But I think I'm out of luck.

I've put my tape on inside out

And both me hands are stuck."



And what of the composer

Of a most unusual reel?

For dealing with a sharp or flat

He really had no feel,

But fame came unexpectedly

When practicing "Duntroon,"

By the time he'd taped up all the holes,

He'd made a brand-new tune.



A piping judge was murdered

In revenge for wounded pride;

He was bound and he was gagged and

He was thrown into the Clyde.

But the poor demented murderer

Had no chance of escape

The detective played for Strathclyde Police

And recognized the tape.



So pipers tell the bagpipe trade

That from now on expect

That when you buy an instrument

Its pitch should be correct.

Why should your lovely music

Depend for its control

On that ever winding, ever binding,

Sticky little roll?



@Scots @music @pipe

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