by Arlo Guthrie



Wanna hear something? You know that Indians never ate

clams. They didn't have linguini! And so what happened

was that clams was allowed to grow unmolested in the

coastal waters of America for millions of years. And

they got big, and I ain't talking about clams in

general, I'm talking about each clam! I mean each one

was a couple of million years old or older. So imagine

they could have got bigger than this whole room. And

when they get that big, God gives them little feet so

that they could walk around easier. And when they get

feet, they get dangerous. I'm talking about real

dangerous. I ain't talking about sitting under the

water waiting for you. I'm talking about coming after

you.



Imagine being on one of them boats coming over to

discover America, like Columbus or something, standing

there at night on watch, everyone else is either drunk

or asleep. And you're watching for America and the

boat's going up and down. And you don't like it anyhow.

But you gotta stand there and watch, for what. Only he

knows, and he ain't watching. You hear the waves

lapping against the side of the ship. The moon is

going behind the clouds. You hear the pitter patter of

little footprints on deck. IS THAT YOU KIDS? IT AIN'T.

MY GOD. IT'S THIS HUMUNGUS GIANT CLAM!



Imagine those little feet coming on deck. A clam twice

the size of the ship. Feet first. You're standing

there shivering with fear, you grab one of these. This

is a belaying pin. They used to have these stuck in

the holes all around the ship ..you probably didn't

know what this is for; you probably had an idea, but

you were wrong. They used to have these stuck in the

holes all along the sides of the ship. Everywhere.

You wouldn't know what this is for unless you was that

guy that night.



I mean, you'd grab this out of the hole, run on over

there, BAM BAM on them little feet! back into the

ocean would go a hurt, but not defeated, humungus

giant clam. Ready to strike again when opportunity

was better.



You know not even the coastal villages was safe from

them big clams. You know them big clams had an inland

range of about 15 miles. Think of that. I mean our

early pioneers and the settlers built little houses

all up and down the coast you know. A little inland

and stuff like that And they didn't have houses like

we got now, with bathrooms and stuff. They built little

privies out back. And late at night, maybe a kid would

have to go, and he'd go stomping out there in the

moonlight. And all they'd hear for miles around...

(loud clap/belch)....one less kid for America. One more

smiling, smurking, humungus giant clam.



So Americans built forts. Them forts. You know them

pictures of them forts with the wooden points all

around. You probably thought them points was for Indians.

But that's stupid! 'Cause Indians know about doors. But

clams didn't. Even if a clam knew about a door, so what?

A clam couldn't fit in a door. I mean, he'd come stomping

up to a fort at night, put them feet on them points, jump

back crying, tears coming out of them everywhere. But

Americans couldn't live in forts forever. You couldn't

just build one big fort around America. How would you go

to the beach?



So what they did was they formed groups of people. I mean

they had groups of people all up and down the coast form

these little alliances. Like up North it was call the

Clamshell Alliance. And farther down South is was called

the Catfish Alliance. They had these Alliances all up and

down the coast defending themselves against these

threatening monsters. These humungus giant clams. And

they'd go out there, if there was maybe fifteen of them,

they'd be singing songs in fifteen part harmony. And when

one part disappeared, that's how they knew where the clam

would be.



Which is why Americans only sing in four part harmony to

this very day. That proved to be too dangerous. See, what

they did was they'd be singing these songs called Clam

Chanties, and they'd have these big spears called clampoons.

And they'd be walking up and down the beach and the method

they eventually devised where they'd have this guy, the

most strongest heavy duty true blue American, courageous

type dude they could find and they'd have him out there

walking up and down the beach by himself with other chicken

dudes hiding behind the sand dunes somewhere.



He'd be singing the verses. They'd be singing the chorus.

And clams would hear 'em. And clams hate music. So clams

would come out of the water and they'd come after this one

guy. And all you'd see pretty soon was flying all over,

the sand flying UPANDOWNTHEBEACHMANMANCLAMCLAMMANMANCLAM

MANCLAMCLAMMANUPANDDOWNTHEBEACHGOINGTHISWAYANDTHATWAYUP

THEHILLSINTHEWATEROUTOFTHEWATERBEHINDTHETREESEVERYWHERE

FINALLYTHEMANWOULD jump over a big sand dune, roll over

the side, the clam would come over the dune, fall in the

hole and fourteen guys would come out there and stab the

shit out of him with their clampoons.



That's the way it was. That was one way to deal with them.

The other way was to weld two clams together. l don't

believe it. I'm losing it. Hey. What can you do. Another

night shot to hell.



Hey, this was serious back then. This was very serious.

I mean these songs now are just piddley folk songs. But

back then these songs were controversial. These was

radical, almost revolutionary songs. Because times was

different and clams was a threat to America. That's right.

So we want to sing this song tonight about the one last...

You see what they did was there was one man, he was one

of these men, his name will always be remembered, his

name was Reuben Clamzo, and he was one of the last great

clam men there ever was. He stuck the last clam stab,

the last clampoon into the last clam that was ever seen

on this continent.



Knowing he would be out of work in an hour. He did it

anyway so that you and me could go to the beach in

relative safety. That's right. Made America safe for the

likes of you and me. And so we sing this song in his

memory. He went into whaling like most of them guys did.

And he got out of that when he died. You know, clams was

much more dangerous than whales. Clams can run in the

water, on the water or on the ground, and they are so big

sometimes that they can jump and they can spread their

kinda shells and kinda almost fly like one of them flying

squirrels.



You could be standing there thinking that your perfectly

safe and all of a sudden WHOP....That's ' true...And so

this is the song of this guy by the name of Reuben Clamzo,

and the song takes place right after he stabbed this clam

and the clam was, going through this kinda death dance

over on the side somewhere. The song starts there and he

goes into whaling and takes you through the I next...



I sing the part of the guy on the beach by himself. I go

like this: "Poor old Reuben Clamzo" and you go "Clamzo Boys,

Clamzo". That's the part of the fourteen chicken dudes over

on the other side. That's what they used to sing. They'd be

calling these clams out of the water. Like taunting them,

making fun of them. Clams would get real mad and come out.



Here we go. I want you to sing it in case you ever have an

occasion to join such an Alliance. You know some of these

Alliances are still around. Still defending America against

things like them clams. If you ever wants to join one, now

you have some historic background. So you know where these

guys are coming from. It's not just some 60's movement or

something, these things go back a long time.



Notice the distinction you're going to have to make now

between the first and easy "Clamzo Boys Clamzo" and the

more complicated "Clamzo Me Boys Clamzo". Stay serious.

Folk songs are serious. That's what Pete Seeger told me.

"Arlo I only want to tell you one thing...folk songs are

serious". I said "right". Let's do it in C for Clam...

Iet's do it in B...for boy that's a big clam... Iet' s do

it in G for Gee, I hope that big clam don't see me. Let's

do it in F...for he sees me. Let's do it back in A...for A

clam is coming. Better get this song done quick. The Story

of Reuben Clamzo and His Strange Daughter in the Key of A.



1. Oh poor old Reuben Clamzo

(I) Clamzo boys Clamzo

Oh poor old Reuben Clamzo

(II) Clamzo me boys Clamzo



2. Oh, Reuben was no sailor

(Clamzo boys Clamzo) (Refrain I)

So they shipped him on a whaler

(Clamzo me boys Clamzo) (Refrain II)



3. Because he was no beauty (Ref. I)

He would not do his duty (Ref. II)



4. Because he was so dirty (Ref. I)

We gave him five and thirty (Ref. II)



5. Oh Reuben Clamzo's daughter (Ref. I)

She begged her dad for mercy (Ref. II)



6 She brang him wine and water (Ref. I)

And a bit more than she oughta (Ref. II)



7 Well he got his seaman's papers (Ref. I)

He's a terror to the whalers (Ref. II)



8.And he sails where 'er the whalefish blow (Ref I)

As the hardest bastard on the go (Ref. II)



9 Oh poor old Reuben Clamzo (Ref. I)

Oh poor old Reuben Clamzo (Ref. II)