It was time to make the doughnuts it was very very early

It was 2:37 in the afternoon

I turned off my alarm clock and I stumbled over several

Pizza boxes and my girlfriend on the way to the bathroom



While I waiting for the fluorescent lights

To flicker on I thought I saw in the dark...

Something was up and I couldn't tell what

But my mind got the sign there was something to see

So I shut my eyes to squeeze the image

Out of the back of my head but I missed my mark

The lights were on now and I couldn't ignore

There was a stranger in the mirror and he was staring at me



CHORUS:

Don't get me wrong

I'm not talking about some kind of figurative stranger here

No existential bullshit from Camus or Billy Joel

I'm not saying I didn't recognize myself in the mirror

Or that I didn't like the kind of person I saw

No I'm talking about an actual literal kind of stranger here

Like the villain in issue 104 of the Flash

There was no question this was not your everyday reflection

This was some middle aged balding Jewish guy and he had a moustache



There's a stranger in my mirror there's a new face on the wall

After that Newcastle incident I thought that I'd seen it all

Things like this are always happening to me



Well I stood there looking stupid in my twenty-dollar bathrobe

With my Indicator toothbrush sticking in between my teeth

My eyes just opened wider when I looked back in the mirror

And saw the stranger with his toothbrush staring back in disbelief



Then I ran my finger down the length of the mirror

To see if the stranger would follow my lead

Our actions were in perfect synch

And I wondered just exactly who was in control

So I grabbed my girlfriend's Lady Bic razor

And ran it down the length of my face to see if he would bleed

Blood was flowing from both of our cheeks

But I couldn't tell whose blood was in my shaving bowl



CHORUS



I am young enough to be this old bald fat guy's son

I've never even met an Arab and I don't even own a gun

Things like this are always happening to me



There was that time when the shopping mall devoured my Aunt Sue

And when my pet canary turned to stone I didn't know what to do

I scolded my basilisk from behind my mirrored shield

That was the same week Adrian Veidt removed my intrinsic field



I had nothing to lose

So I played the lottery

It was run by Shirley Jackson

I said, "Put down those stones,"

Somebody dropped my canary



I had a friend in a convent

Nergal said, "Get thee to a nunnery."

And another friend who stuttered and quoted Lovecraft

I had a girl in New York City

They were all killed by the Invunche



Or the time when I awoke from unsettling dreams

transformed in my bed into a monstrous vermin

And those three days each August when my shadow

is replaced by that of Ethel Merman

I'd love to tell these stories and I'm sure you like to hear

But right now I've got to face this stranger in my mirror



Well it was all quite interesting to have my doppelganger

But it was getting boring and I had to use the loo

So I leaned into the mirror and then I leaned a little closer

And then I leaned a little closer still and quietly said, "Boo!"



Well the stranger grabbed his chest and heaved and wheezed and choked

And hemorrhaged and fell on the floor

I tried to help him but unfortunately I lacked the ability to phase

Through solid objects like mirrors

And even if I could I don't know CPR

So I hit the lights and then quietly walked out the door

I could wait til tomorrow to shave

Or maybe I'll just give it up and grow a beard

Or a moustache like the dead guy who's inside of my mirror



CHORUS



There's a dead guy in my mirror there's a dead guy on the floor

I hope to God that I won't see that dead guy anymore

Things like this are always happening to me



If there's a moral to this story

Then I'd really like to hear what you think it is

(Tell me the moral tell me the moral

Tell me the moral tell me the moral)

Like if there's a stranger in your mirror

Always know which side of the room is his

(That's not a moral that's not a moral

Tell me the moral tell me the moral)

How about don't ever try to shave while under fluorescent lights

You know that that's a fact

(I was hoping you would say something like

"Nothing in this world is ever as it appears")

Or don't go frightening bald fat Jewish guys

If you don't want them having heart attacks

That's more like it and I guess that concludes

Our overlength adventures with the man in the mirror