Well, i was feelin' sad and feelin' blue,

I didn't know what in the world i was gonna do,

Them communists they wus comin' around,

They wus in the air,

They wus on the ground.

They wouldn't gimme no peace. . .



So i run down most hurriedly

And joined up with the john birch society,

I got me a secret membership card

And started off a-walkin' down the road.

Yee-hoo, i'm a real john bircher now!

Look out you commies!



Now we all agree with hitlers' views,

Although he killed six million jews.

It don't matter too much that he was a fascist,

At least you can't say he was a communist!

That's to say like if you got a cold you take a shot of malaria.



Well, i wus lookin' everywhere for them gol-darned reds.

I got up in the mornin' 'n' looked under my bed,

Looked in the sink, behind the door,

Looked in the glove compartment of my car.

Couldn't find 'em . . .



I wus lookin' high an' low for them reds everywhere,

I wus lookin' in the sink an' underneath the chair.

I looked way up my chimney hole,

I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl.

They got away . . .



Well, i wus sittin' home alone an' started to sweat,

Figured they wus in my t.v. set.

Peeked behind the picture frame,

Got a shock from my feet, hittin' right up in the brain.

Them reds caused it!

I know they did . . . them hard-core ones.



Well, i quit my job so i could work alone,

Then i changed my name to sherlock holmes.

Followed some clues from my detective bag

And discovered they wus red stripes on the american flag!

That ol' betty ross . . .



Well, i investigated all the books in the library,

Ninety percent of 'em gotta be burned away.

I investigated all the people that i knowed,

Ninety-eight percent of them gotta go.

The other two percent are fellow birchers . . . just like me.



Now eisenhower, he's a russian spy,

Lincoln, jefferson and that roosevelt guy.

To my knowledge there's just one man

That's really a true american: george lincoln rockwell.

I know for a fact he hates commies cus he picketed the movie exodus.



Well, i fin'ly started thinkin' straight

When i run outa things to investigate.

Couldn't imagine doin' anything else,

So now i'm sittin' home investigatin' myself!

Hope i don't find out anything . . . hmm, great god!


more