Once a year we celebrate

With stupid hats and plastic plates

The fact that you were able to make

Another trip around the sun



And the whole clan gathers round

And gifts and laughter do abound

And we let out a joyful sound

And sing that stupid song



Happy birthday!

Now you're one year older!

Happy birthday!

Your life still isn't over!

Happy birthday!

You did not accomplish much

But you didn't die this year

I guess that's good enough



So let's drink to your fading health

And hope you don't remind yourself

The chance of finding fame and wealth

Decrease with every year



Does it feel like you're doing laps

And eating food and taking naps

And hoping that someday perhaps

Your life will hold some cheer



Happy birthday!

What have you done that matters?

Happy birthday!

You're starting to get fatter

Happy birthday!

It's downhill from now on

Try not to remind yourself

Your best years are all gone



If cryogenics were all free

Then you could live like Walt Disney

And live for all eternity

Inside a block of ice



But instead your time is set

This is the only life you get

And though it hasn't ended yet

Sometimes you wish it might



Happy birthday!

You wish you had more money

Happy birthday!

Your life's so sad it's funny

Happy birthday!

How much more can you take?

But your friends are hungry

So just cut the stupid cake



Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, dear...

(random calling out of names, including Ralph, Bill, Ralph Kramden,

Skippy, the bush kangar