I was walking down the high street

When i heard footsteps behind me

And there was a little old man (hello)

In scarlet and grey, shuffling away (laughter)

Well he trotted back to my house

And he sat beside the telly (oaah..)

With his tiny hands on his tummy

Chuckling away, laughing all day (laughter)



Oh, i ought to report you to the gnome office

(gnome office)

Yes

(hahahahaha)



Ha ha ha, hee hee hee

"i'm a laughing gnome and you don't catch me"

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee

"i'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me"

Said the laughing gnome



Well i gave him roasted toadstools and a glass of dandelion wine (burp, pardon)

Then i put him on a train to eastbourne

Carried his bag and gave him a fag

(haven't you got a light boy?)

"here, where do you come from?"

(gnome-man's land, hahihihi)

"oh, really?"



In the morning when i woke up

He was sitting on the edge of my bed

With his brother whose name was fred

He'd bought him along to sing me a song



Right, let's hear it

Here, what's that clicking noise?

(that's fred, he's a "metrognome", haha)



Ha ha ha, hee hee hee

"i'm a laughing gnome and you don't catch me"

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee

"i'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me"



(own up, i'm a gnome, ain't i right, haha)

"haven't you got an 'ome to go to?"

(no, we're gnomads)

"didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school? you look like a rolling gnome."

(no, not at the london school of ecognomics)



Now they're staying up the chimney

And we're living on caviar and honey (hooray!)

Cause they're earning me lots of money

Writing comedy prose for radio shows

It's the-er (what?)

It's the gnome service of course



Ha ha ha, hee hee hee

"i'm a laughing gnome and you don't catch me"

Ha ha ha, oh, dear me



(ha ha ha, hee hee hee

"i'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me"

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee

"i'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me")



(one more time, yeah)