it was late september two years ago

frank cash was down on his luck

he'd made a killing at churchill downs

and that left him somewhat thunderstruck



so he rented a place down on lonely street

he was looking for somewhere to hide

the paper showed up at the door every day

and he'd go through the classifieds



then one morning he turned to the sports page

and he noticed that something was strange

the race results were from the day before

but the football scores were from next week's games

frank felt a scared and a little deranged

but a switch board lit up in his brain



that sunday he watched in amazement

as the scores flashed by on his tv set

monday morning he ran for the paper

and made it to the phone and began placing bets

he put ten thousand that night on the jets

ten grand he didn't have on the jets



it happened like that the whole season

he couldn't even count all the money he'd made

he started buying italian women and shoes

which he kept on a sprawling estate on the lake

and by that i don't mean by the lake

i mean ON the lake



he waited all summer for the football to start

the maiden brought him the paper every day

but all he could find was yesterday's scores

the damned paper had ceased to prognosticate

then a look of horror crossed his face

it finally dawned on him but too late



his rolls hit the pavement at a hundred and twenty

heading for lonely street

he rang the bell and a john walker answered

frank pressed his luck against the door screen



frank asked if he still got the paper

john walker said "what do you care?"

frank answered "i need to see the sports section

just for a minute" and john walker stared



frank tried to push through the doorway

john pulled a real forty-five

the dogs were all barking as the rolls pulled away

john walker was no longer alive



the judge looks down through his bifocals

the peers of the jury squirm in their seats

the courtroom is silent except for his footsteps

frank cash is about to speak



and frank says:



your honour and ladies and gentlemen of the jury

all this has been happening to me because of this guy

named t bone burnett. he's been making all this up

and i just want to say i don't believe in him

in fact i don't even think he exists and not only that

BUT THIS SONG IS OVER



frank got a suspended sentence

the jury ruled it was self defense

they ignored his statement

on the grounds it didn't make any sense



frank cash had a pretty good year

considering the dizzy chain of events

that paper was never delivered again

but i gave him back all the money he'd spent



and he married a woman with a lot of soul

and his first son will become president

if you see him tall him i said "hello"

and that i'm happy to be able to call him my friend



[t bone burnett / tonio k]

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