these are the thoughts that go through my head in my

backyard on a Sunday afternoon when I have the house to

myself and i'm not expending all that energy on fighting with

my boyfriend

is he the one that I will marry? why is it so hard to be

objective about myself? why do I feel cellularly alone? am I

supposed to live in this crazy city? can blindly continued fear-

induced regurgitated life-denying tradition be overcome?

where does the money go that I send to those in need? if we

have so much why do some people have nothing still? why do I

feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning? why do you

say you are spiritual yet you treat people like shit?

how can you say you're close to god and yet you talk behind

my back as though I am not a part of you? why do I say I'm fine

when it's obvious I'm not? why's it so hard to tell you

what I want? why can't you just read my mind?

why do I fear that the quieter I am the less you will listen?

why do I care whether you like me or not? why is it so hard

for me to be angry? why is it such work to stay conscious and

so easy to get stuck and not the other way around?

will I ever move back to canada? can I be with a lover with

whom I am a student and a master? why am I encouraged to

shut my mouth when it gets too close to home? why cannot I

live in the moment