Aquarius!

There's travel in your future when your toungue freezes to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day



Pisces!

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the true lord of the dance no matter what those idiots at work say



Aries!

The look on your face will be priceless when they find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Merryl Streep



Taurus!

You will never find true happiness-what ya gonna do? Cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep



That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today



Gemini!

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest



Cancer!

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your drivers test



Leo!

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss' face (oh no)

Eat a bucket of tuna flavoured pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry quik



Virgo!

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent-except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick



That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today



Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep siginificance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you but let me give you my assurance that forcasts and predictions are all based on solid scientific documented evidence so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realise that every single one of there is absolutely true-where was I?



Libra!

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you

Laughter is the very best medicine...remember that when your appendix bursts next week



Scorpio!

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window

Worka a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem...you stupid freak



Sagittarius!

All your friends are laughing behind your back.....kill them

Take down all those naked pictures of Earnest Borgnine you've got haning in your den



Capricorn!

The stars say that your an exciting and wonderful person but you know they're lying

If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again



That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today



That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today