AQUARIUS!

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes

to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-

Mole 17 hours a day



PISCES!

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what

those idiots at work say



ARIES!

The look on your face will be priceless when you find

that 40-pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a

hickey to Meryl Streep



TAURUS!

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna

do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch

of stuff and then go back to sleep



That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today



GEMINI!

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your

explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble your fiance

hurls a javelin through your chest



CANCER!

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the

rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while

taking your driver's test



LEO!

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and

staple it to your boss's face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it

down with a gallon of strawberry Quik



VIRGO!

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -

except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with

your head impaled upon a stick



That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today



Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least

a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets

and the stars could have a special deep significance or

meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let

me give you my assurance that these forecasts and

predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented

evidence, so you would have to be some kind of

moron not to realize that every single one of them is

absolutely true.



Where was I?



LIBRA!

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone

much more talented than you

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that

when your appendix bursts next week



SCORPIO!

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall

screaming from an open window

Work a little bit harder on improving your

low self esteem, you stupid freak



SAGITTARIUS!

All your friends are laughing behind your back...

kill them

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine

you've got hanging in your den



CAPRICORN!

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful

person... but you know they're lying

If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never

never never never never leave my house again



That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today