Once they called me Rover

Once they called me pet.

But since the sofa incident

I'm just the walking, hairballing ghet.



Sure, I ripped the cushions

But that was just a ploy

To bring to their attention

What a loyal; what a brilliant, brilliant boy I am.



Now I'm a dead dog walking

But I ain't dead yet.

They've made for me the appointment

We're off down to the vet.

It isn't that I'm frightened

It's just that I recall

The last time that I went there

I left without my balls.



Margarine is pleasant

Until the second tub.

The end result,

You know it's vomit

And owners spitting blood.



I pulled out all the vinyl

And chewed the tapes as well.

I believe that it was justified

James Last should rot in hell.

But they just don't understand me

It's hard to keep your ground

When in the wardrobe

Your latest present has been found.



Now I'm a dead dog walking

But I ain't dead yet.

They've made for me the appointment

We're off down to the vet.

It isn't that I'm frightened

It's just that I recall

The last time that I went there

I left without my balls.



I helped take in the shopping

I really did my best.

But falafel and tahini

Are too hard to digest.

The mess was in the bathroom

So of course I blamed the cat

That's never too convincing

Now I'm out and that is that.



Dead dog walking



Not chewing

Not talking

I'm a dead dog walking

But I ain't dead yet.

I'm a dead dog walking

And coming on home.